the art of baby-making

Last month, I stopped taking my birth control pill. No, it wasn't because I've already started to design a nursery in my mind, plotting color schemes and stocking up on diapers and onesies and burp cloths. It isn't because I'm ready to get pregnant.

I am required to order my contraseptives in three month supply, and I ran out.

This has happened a few times before. Normally, my husband just grumbles a little and then makes a trip out for condoms. This time, he said, "I really don't feel like getting condoms. Wanna just see what happens?"

I concurred. It isn't because I'm ready to get pregnant. (I'm aware that I already said that.)

You see, I always wanted kids. I started babysitting when I was eleven, for a family that grew to four little girls. I wanted to have four little girls of my own, and wanted to name them Emma, Claire, Alexis, and Nora. I vaguely remember this dream. It was a dream shattered by adult life choices, the ones that resulted in a small mountain of credit card debt. I really don't understand how anyone affords children.

Money isn't my only fear about the idea of procreation. I'm generally pretty lazy and selfish and untidy. I smoke and drink and consume ungodly amounts of caffeine. I take a pill that helps me fall asleep at night. I don't think any of those things are kosher in the area of prenatal care.

Oh.My.God. I am terrified of becoming pregnant: of becoming a parent. I know they say that you're never really ready, and I usually live my life under the guise of "whatever is supposed to be will be." So, what will be?

I don't have a bun in the oven after month one of a pretty-regular-amount of unprotected sex with my husband.

In a few days, I could choose to begin month two of this madness, or I could go shopping for condoms. My palms are sweating as I write this. I wonder what my husband will say if I tell him I don't think I want kids after all. And, if I continue to let the little spermies swim around inside me and actually do get pregnant... I hope my kid never reads this blog entry.

Whoa. Heavy stuff for a Monday.

Comments

You should probably order another package of the pills. Nothing really derails a train like a kid showing up.

Not that I don't love mine, but they sure did a number when it came to shattering dreams.
My advice is to make sure you're ready (as ready as you can be) because kiddos do change your life dramatically.

However, know that you'll probably never feel 100% there. I was on the fence when I tried to get pregnant--kind of doing what you're doing (holding my breath and hoping it's not so bad). But then I did get pregnant (in month two, btw) and was freaked out but excited. Then I had a miscarriage 7 weeks in. Only then did I realize how much I wanted to be pregnant. A few months later, I got pregnant with my son and now have a happy two year old, and it's great.

Now i'm all freaked out about the decision to have or not have a second, lol. So fear is always part of it. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Travener said…
Having kids is the biggest challenge you can face in life.

It's also the most rewarding, by far.

It's true the time's never right. On the other hand, you're still pretty young, so ordering some pills and putting parenthood off for another year or two won't hurt.
staceyjwarner said…
mmmm...my vote? get some condoms...until you get your pills...LOL! You have lots of time and one day your palms won't sweat when thinking about it...
boo.mama said…
I understand your pain. Do you ever really become ready?!
Jm Diaz said…
Your kid will read this blog entry, rest assured. In the internetz don't forget.

Apparently, you are surrounded by a bunch or parents. Tell what though, honestly, I hate kids. I'm not a kids person. However, mine are awesome. And yes, I am totally biased. I have fun with my kids. We play video games, we rollerblade, play with starwars toys, and such.... but there is a shit lot more to being a parent than that. I have to make the choice everyday (several times) to teach what is right, as opposed to what I think.
Example: Instead of "This homework is bullshit" I have to "You really need to read this book and remember it for your teacher."
or
"Your teacher is an idiotic psycho that refers to herself in the third person" to "You have to follow the rules at school"...
There are endless papers to sign, homework assignments to complete, field trips, and all that other crap. My kids are not involved in any after school activities, and I STILL don't have time.
Some days it sucks. Some days its great.

If you want a kid, have a kid. Its not the end of your life. Its the beginning of theirs. Most people think getting married would be the end of their life...
saucyminx410 said…
Super heavy... I have no sage advice...but send you good vibes as you make the decision for the next step in your life!
Tina Lynn said…
If your palms are sweaty, don't do it! I'm with J.M., hate kids, love mine. But don't measure whether or not you're ready on finances, otherwise you'll never have any.
Thanks to all the folks for your advice, wisdom, opinions... I think I'm off to the store for the condoms. Maybe. I still have a day or two to decide!
Eh, just pull out and shoot it on the TV. Oh, and as the father of two boys...you are never ready and they aren't really that expensive. Keep on screwin'!!
Lizz said…
If you think you aren't ready for kids go shopping for condoms, otherwise I believe you will be a good momma. And trust me as you progress through the pregnancy you will be able to sleep with out that little pill. :)
Thanks for stopping by my blog earlier, and I enjoyed yours.

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