in which my hips and inner-thighs speak rapture

It was Free Pastry Day at Starbucks.

My thighs are not as excited about this as the rest of me.

In fact, my thighs wanted to know, did you not just feed us a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel from Panera? Are you out of your damn mind?

To my thighs, I responded, But, it was an asiago bagel! All bets are off when there's asiago involved. And it was breakfast and lunch. I'm not going to eat my free pastry yet, so step off. I'll put it in the fridge, and heat up that flaky, free croissant later -- like for dinner or something, when I will unabashedly smother it with either hubs homemade chicken salad or a giant gob of butter.

My thighs weren't done. Are you aware that bathing-suit-season is just around the corner? Do you not recall that picture your husband took of you walking down a honeymoon beach a mere eighteen months ago? (You know, the one in which we had a striking resemble to cottage cheese?)

Me: Hey! We promised to never bring that up again! What happened to taking it to the grave?

Thighs: This is for your own good. Don't blame us. It could have been worse. Your arm flab wanted to do a full-blown intervention... Thinks you should trade in a few episodes of American Idol for a trip to the gym.

Me: But I carry all that boxed coin at the bank. That's practically cardio!

Thighs: You may want to do a few reps while you've got it in hand or something. And, a squat or twenty for good measure. Anything at all. We're getting a little embarrased. We scare small children.

Me: There's no need to exagerate. My body does not scare small children! You know what? Run and f**k yourselves.

Thighs: Run and what? Ohh, believe me. We would if we could. We would run at least a half mile, and then we would look better. But since you have what appears to be negative lung capacity, we haven't run in the better part of a decade. It's been so long, we actually don't remember running. We thought maybe running had been outlawedspice.

Me: Hilarious. Adding spice to things doesn't make me less annoyed with you. Well, okay. Maybe a little less annoyed. Because it's cutespice.

Thighs: And because you know we're rightspice. Bazingaspice.

Me: Stop over-using it! Ohh, but that episode of Big Bang Theory last night was really funny, wasn't it?

Thighs: You probably would have "LOL-ed" a lot more if you hadn't been stuffing your face with chocolate chip cookies.

Comments

EmcogNEATO! said…
I had a conversation kind of like this with my ass once....
carissa said…
haha I love this so much! But WTF THIGHS? How could they possibly not be amused by adding "spice" onto the end of words!? I call bullshit.
~*~Lilly~*~ said…
Oh i can't stop laughing!
jayme said…
hahahahspice fo sho. probably one of my favorite posts so far. you should be proud of yourself (and your thighs for that matter for having a sense of humor and for your thighs being a smart ass {no pun intended}) ... however, it's amazing what a breakup will do-- i've lost 12 pounds in the last 2 weeks! i'msoskinnyspice. NOTTT. a girl can dream...
OMG! I think I hurt myself laughing. Your posts should come with warning labels. :)
Sarah Ann said…
:) Haha. So funny!
Sierra Godfrey said…
Cripes girl you are sooooo funny! I love it.
*dies laughing*

Soooooo glad my thighs can't talk to me. I don't even want to THINK about what they'd say.
Melissa said…
OMG, my side is hurting! You should really include this in a book someday. It would be a bestseller, guaranteed:)
Wendy Sparrow said…
Snort... and adding spice to everything does make it cutespice. Well... not snortspice... because then it just sounds like an unfortunate addiction.
Tina Lynn said…
sidesplittingspice
JUST ME said…
I missed the free pastry by one hour.

I almost cried.
Yvonne said…
Ha! Pretty funny Ms. Murphy. No...hilarious. I agree... you just need to tell them to shut the f***spice up! At least until you get done with you cookies.

Smiling all the way to bed....
Travener said…
Very amusing. Even though I found the subject line to be, if not misleading, then disappointing. I thought maybe those hips and thighs were doing something else.

I need help, I thinki.
Ashley Stone said…
oh my goodness, you are so funny! This made me laugh out loud! Love it! My thighs just yelled at me for eating pasta and garlic bread.
Tahereh said…
LOL

you are way too adorable!
B.E. Sanderson said…
ROFL... Thank goodness my thighs stopped speaking to me years ago. I don't want to know what they'd say about last night's fall off the diet wagon right into a chocolate-peanut butter sundae.

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