typical tuesday: a day in the life

Stolen from Sierra Godfrey (who stole it from someone else) and Travener (who stole it from Sierra)

6:32 a.m. -- Curse alarm radio, which is currently set on a country station.
6:33 a.m. -- Curse  hubs, who has not yet hit snooze.
6:39 a.m. -- Curse six-minute snooze.
6:45 a.m. -- Consider another snooze. Realize hubs is still in bed and that morning laptop time will belong to me if I go ahead and haul myself out of bed.
6:47 a.m.-- Contemplate making coffee. Audibly curse, remembering that bedroom alarm clock is five minutes fast and that it is actually 6:52 a.m.
6:53 a.m. -- Start coffee. Grab diet pepsi from fridge anyway.
6:55 a.m. -- Open blogger to check for new comments while lighting cigarette and opening diet pepsi.
6:57 a.m. -- Open reader and check out a few blogs, opting to keep most unread so I may savor them later.
7:00 a.m. -- Realize I'd better pour a cup of coffee now if I hope drink a cup before work.
7:05 a.m. -- Wish with fierceness that I had used the faciliates before hubs went in there and claimed them.
7:10 a.m. -- Light second cigarette and pray that hubs doesn't get into the shower right as I finish smoking, because this will totally ruin my getting-ready routine.
7:15 a.m. -- Hear hubs starting shower.
7:16 a.m. -- Stumble into bathroom doing pee-pee dance. Realize hubs is still on toilet, and is only pre-heating his shower water.
7:17 a.m. -- Curse marriage in general and my moronic decision to purchase a one-bathroom house.
7:18 a.m. -- Finally get to take a morning wizz.
7:19 a.m. -- Log in to facebook figuring since I can't start getting ready yet I may as well see if my ex has responded to the birthday message I sent him anyone has written any interesting status updates.
7:20 a.m. -- Frown at the emptiness of said facebook inbox my coffee cup; refill
7:28 a.m. -- Log out of anything I'm logged into for privacy purposes.
7:30 a.m. -- Brush past hubs toweling off his manhood as I race into the shower.
7:40 a.m. -- Blow-dry hair with urgency
7:50 a.m. -- Brush teeth and apply make-up with urgency.
7:57 a.m. -- Fight tooth-brushing hubs for spot in front of the mirror and quickly straighten a few chunks of dry hair.
8:01 a.m. -- Kiss hubs good-bye while trying to get into pants, a shirt, etc.
8:03 a.m. -- Apply deodorant and perfume; curse hair which is only semi-straight.
8:05 a.m. -- Grab two diet pepsi's for later and stick in purse. Grab cigs, cell phone, keys, try to remember to unplug both coffee pot and hair straightener.
8:08 a.m. -- Curse time itself and high-tail it out of the driveway.

8:16-8:18 a.m. -- Whip into bank parking lot only a few minutes late. Avoid snarky comments from co-workers.
8:30 a.m. -- Participate in morning meeting. Vow to open 1,000 checking accounts by the end of the day.
9:00 a.m. -- Fine count all money currently in and being added to ATM. Balance ATM. Curse people who use ATMs, and especially people who call them "ATM Machines." Sing the song I wrote for my MIP (Musical in Process) called "Automated Teller, Machines, Machines!!" and do a few robot-dance-moves.
10:00 a.m. -- Charm bank customers. Make change for businesses. Do arm bends with rolled coin.
11:00 a.m. -- Take smoke break and apply body splash.
11:05 - 1:00 p.m. -- Charm bank customers. Consider blogging at work. Chicken out.
1:10 p.m. -- Arrive home for lunch. Write witty and belly-busting blog post. Use the word spice in it at least three times.
1:55 p.m. -- Wonder if anyone notices or cares that I always take five extra minutes for lunch.
2:05 p.m. -- Charm bank customers. Semi-flirt with the hot ones.
3:45 p.m. -- Take smoke break to check blog comments.
3:50 p.m. -- Wish I'd eaten lunch.
4:20 p.m. -- Snicker; start to balance.
5:05 p.m. -- Lock bank doors, bring in drive-thru tubes, celebrate. Wish I wasn't out of balance again.

5:30 p.m. -- Lazily drive home and know even though I will beat hubs to the house but he'll still be the one to bring in the mail. Sort of feel proud that he's quasi-trained.
5:45 p.m. -- Read and comment on blogs. Take a call from my mother. Hope she can't hear me typing as she tells me about her day.
6:15 p.m. -- Continue to catch up on correspondence. Realize hubs got home at some point and is talking to me. Wonder vaguely if he's said anything important. Doubt it, and start to feel a bit guilty. Let that go, then ask what he is making for dinner. Read a few pages of whatever novel I'm reading while he cooks.
8:04 p.m. -- Give up the lap-top so he can start using it. Eat and compliment his food at some point. Think about writing; wish I'd done it at lunch. I'm too emotionally drained now, and wait! American Idol is starting! Thank God I've set the DVR for Idol and LOSTspice.
8:05 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. -- Rewind whenever hubs starts singing along with the contestants. ("They are on the show. You aren't.")
10:00 p.m. -- Ask hubs if he's ready to start watching LOST. Wait to get his attention as he is involved in some warcrafty-battle. Am told that just because my show ended does not mean that he is ready to start watching LOST just yet. Consider doing dishes. Decide to wait until tomorrow.
10:05 -- Vote for my favorite Idol contestant. Wonder if I'm depressed.
10:15 -- Finally start watching LOST.
11:15 p.m. -- Feel better than if I'd just gotten laid. Say, I effing love that show about four times.
11:30 p.m. -- Hubs tells me he is going to bed and I say I am going to smoke one more cigarette and will be right behind him.
12:00 a.m. -- Realize I have written way less than 500 words. Ask myself if I think two sentences is progress.
12:01 a.m. -- Crawl into bed and avoid hub-like advances. Tell him I'm too sleepyspice for all that. Swear we'll do it tomorrow.


LMFAO! Thank you so much for this post. I love your stuff. Too freaking funny. :)
MJenks said…
And if the ex- doesn't write anything back in your facebook inbox, you write a blog describing the first time you and the ex- had sex in the back of your dad's Ford Escort Wagon, and therein describe the unruliness of her pubes.


okay, that was just me then.
carissa said…
I love it amber. My day pretty much parrallels yours. Except for the whole having a husband thing. So wait... does he still not know about this blog? What does he think your doing on the computer!? High Five for Privacy!
Simon C. Larter said…
So, what are the weekends like? That's what I want to know.
jayme said…
who's blog post is this? mine or yours? because it's exactly the samespice. ...ok, not exact, but surirously...

...charm bank customers and occasionally flirt with the cute ones. story of my lifespice.
Natalie Murphy said…
lol you're not very fond of your husband, are you?
jayme said…
wait, is it whose?? fuck english.
Travener said…
Tina Lynn said…
Sounds like it's time to leave the hubby and come live with me. I have three bathrooms:)
B.E. Sanderson said…
LOL, thanks for the insight into your day. I'd post something like that, but it'd be way too boring - especially this week when I'm not writing.

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