TMI Thursday: fetus and fornication

Hubs and I have only gotten jiggy with it twice since I found out I have a bun in the oven.

I mean, my libido hasn't really gone down much -- twice in six weeks was pretty much par for our course lately. How I got pregnant at all is still a complete and utter mystery (or at least a warning signal to all those occasional unprotected-sex-havers out there.)

(And, I guess, excuses hubs from having asked, "Is it mine?" when I initially told him that I was knocked up.)

Anycum, the reason we haven't had much sexy-time is because 1) I can no longer be taken advantage of in drunken moments of "let's get it on, wife" in which I am the wife and I am the drunk... and 2) It makes me uncomfortable.

Let's explore number two.

I know, I know. It's really ridiculous. But, seriously. I mean, there's a fetus in there listening to mommy's "o-voice" in what I can only assume is like the most serious surround-sound system ever.

(You know: oh, oh, ohhhhhhh! YES! OHMYGODSPICE!!)

(Not that mommy usually uses her o-voice during sex with daddy. Let's be honest.)

(So masturbation is out, too. It's been fun, silver bullet. I'll see you next January.)

It's just all so... I don't know, Oedipal, or something. Perhaps I will feel more comfortable when the baby arrives, and is sleeping. Then Mommy and Daddy can get it on all.the.time, because Mommy will totally be in the mood for it then -- once her special parts have been hacked wide open to give birth, and when her boobies are (I'm assuming: painfully) dispensing milky stuff everywhere.

Because all that's hot.

Oh, hell, fetus. You didn't want a sibling, did you? I may never fornicate again.


Talli Roland said…

I'm sure you'll get it on at least one more time before you die! :)

Seriously, though, I have some friends who have told me the same thing.
~*~Lilly~*~ said…
My v-jay hurts just thinking about all that splitting & seriously makes me want to reconsider ever giving birth. lol
Melissa said…
*snorts* You have made my day!
Sierra Godfrey said…
God you're funny.

Here's a tip. fetus likes the gentle massage it gets when your uterus contracts in orgasm. Is like nice rocking motion!

It is loving gesture from his/her mommy.

Probably you will feel this way until you are very largely pregnant and then your hormones will make you want to jump Hubs, but he will be repulsed...because who wants to have sex with a hugely pregnant lady? gross!
LiLu said…
Hahaha! And TMI Thursday lives on...
lol, TMI Thursday never disappoints. My advice: get thee to the bedroom (or the kitchen table or backseat of the car, whatever does it for you). Seriously. The baby can't hear you yet anyway, the ears aren't functioning until at least the 7th month or something. And Sierra's right about the contractions.

Plus, you REALLY will not want to do it for a good six months after baby arrives. Between sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, and whatever trauma your body goes through during birth, chastity belts will start looking good to you.
Travener said…
My spousal unit felt the same way (no libdo); alas, 14 years later, she still does. You can't believe what I had to go through to talk her into baby number two, our sweet daughter. And, fertile crescent that she is, that only took two tries... Can't wait for the pics!
Jen said…
Holy crap to the insanity you just shared!!! I couldn't stop laughing, yes I apologize but I couldn't help it. I will tell you that I'm reconsidering ever getting pregnant, and for that I thank you.

Maybe babyspice won't remember any of the sexy time you might end up having. Then again you can never be too careful!
carissa said…
Ahhhahahaha I'm dying here, and also once again giving a high five to the condoms in my purse.

Also, I can see why you think it's weird. I kinda think it would be a little weird just having daddy's peen so close to the baby's face.

That being said, I still hope you and your vajayjay get some before you have a baby. If you can't drink you gotta have something!
Ashley Stone said…
haha I was thinking "oh Amber, you're silly.." until I read the comment above about how a "fetus likes the gentle massage it gets when your uterus contracts in orgasm."

Um....ewspice. I think that may have ruined any future sex i might have when I do get pregnant.
Vicki Rocho said…
This was soo funny! Thanks for the giggle!

In a few weeks the hormones will be gushing through your veins and you'll be typing a very different story.

Oh, and I've heard that junior is actually comforted with the thump-thump-thumping of your heart during these errrrr jiggy times.
Anonymous said…
Hubby just read this and called the suicide hotline....

Popular Posts