Thursday, June 9, 2011

TMI Thursday: sexy alone time

Yeah, so this past weekend, Stella spent the night at my mom and dad's house for the first time.

Hubs (and I) were so looking forward to a little alone time -- but a wrench was thrown into the best laid plans. Saturday, hubs had to attend a funeral. His uncle passed away unexpectedly early last week. Heart attack. He was only 48 years old.

I had to work Saturday morning, so hubs dropped Stella off at my parents' house early. After work, I went over to my Mom and Dad's for a little while to hang out with Stella while m&d did their grocery shopping and a few other errands (ones they planned on doing before Stella came to their house, since to watch her ALL day Saturday was not the original plan.)

Yeah, are you following? So, it's Saturday afternoon. Hubs is funeral-ing, and I'm at my Mom and Dad's house getting ready to leave Stella (see: Raspberries vid I posted on facebook!) there for the night.

I called hubs to let him know I was on the way back home and to see what the plan was for our date night.

"Get condoms!" He told me with a bit of a slur in his speech.

"Hubs, are you drunk?"

"Well, I had a couple at the funeral after-party, yeah... Then I met B at Old Chicago for a beer. Now I'm at home workin' on a Nut Brown."

"Seriously? We haven't had sexy time for almost a full YEAR and you didn't think of stopping for condoms on your way home?!"

Mrs. Murphy (that's me) was not to excited about being the one to shop for rubbery contraceptives. But, seeing as how we can't afford another baby at the moment, I parked in front of our favorite gas station.

I even posted about it on Twitter while I put off actually going inside.

I chose a variety pack that didn't seem to imply that hubs needed help in the "longer lasting" department and went to check out. Of course, the clerky guy knows me by name and always asks about the baby. I was all, "Uhh, this is embarrassing... but I'm a safety girl!"

I probably sounded like I was having some hot affair.

If only.

So, at home... hubs is drunk and irritating. He grilled steaks for our special alone time dinner, but he cooked them to well done instead of our usual mid-rare. He kept getting weepy about being the next one in his family to die young, which I feared would happen -- not the dying young but the blubbering about it -- because sometimes hubs gets all emotional when he drinks. Ohhh, and I had to stop him from going to yell at our neighbor who seriously hasn't mowed his back grass once in the past two years.

And then he kept saying I had to be on top.

I was like, um... no. Beggars can't be choosy. And I pushed out our baby. But, since you are driving me absolutely insanespice, sexy alone time is now cancelled and I am going to take a nap.

At 9:00, on our first, real, special alone time night (when we could even sleep in the next day) I took a nap. I woke up an hour later next to the snoring man I married. I decided to get up and play with my iPhone, and the variety pack of condoms remains unopened as I write.

TMI Sadday.

5 comments:

Travener said...

That sounds a lot like my entire post-baby life, except I'm not the one who's been drinking.

Well, I'm sorry the alone time didn't work out so well (though naps can be *very* satisfying). Hang in there. If you want it enough, you'll figure out how to make it happen.

jayme said...

i just simply love you. you and your perfect (?) marriage entertain me to no end. job well done, my friend.

ps, ashlee is amazespice. holllerrrr

Ashley Stone said...

Sorry it didn't turn out as planned.. hope you get some sexy alone time soon!! xoxo

Guillermo de la Varner said...

"beggars can't be chosers." ??? Did he want you to get on top of the house or just him? You better do your share of the screwing around! The good news is...you have condoms on hand now, well, hopefully not literally on hand, but whatever works.

So here's to future fornicating and husbands who are irreversibly human and wives who are infinitely unpleasable.

And next time...get batteries in lieu of condoms...now that's playing it safe!

MJenks said...

Is "I played with my iPhone" a euphemism? Please tell me it's a euphemism.